Warning!: Introspective Curves Ahead...

If you don't like bloggy posts, you better stop reading now... I got some emotional baggage to unload right now.

I'll give you a second to click away.

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Everyone gone? Ok. Here it goes.

So tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Which really means zero to me. It always does. Except when I am with someone. I am a die hard romantic. Most people would not know it by looking at me. Most of my friends know me as a pretty nerdy geek. But when it comes to me being with a girl I go all in. We are talking flowers for no reason. Going out on special evenings. Taking small weekend vacations. Showing her that she is one of the most special people on the planet. Those types of things. When I love, I love big.

That all being said... I think that since my last relationship I have become shell shocked. I seriously feel like I am suffering from post traumatic stress of the heart. Since moving to LA I have not even really tried to date or put myself out there. Everytime I think about it I go back in my head to the last day I was with my ex. How I was happy until the moment she told me she was breaking up with me. How I had no real clue that she wasn't in love with me anymore and how stupid I felt not catching on. Until her I had had other relationships, but I had never really given myself over to it as completely as that. So when it was cut off it was seriously like losing a part of myself. It took me months just to not break down randomly. It took me going to therapy sessions to realize that I wasn't an idiot or a horrible person. It took me moving to LA to not feel the need to call her and wonder what I could have done differently to have avoided all the pain that I felt. It has now been longer then we had dated since we broke up and I still find myself thinking about her almost everyday.

Basically I think I have been really depressed lately. Going to bed early. Not really wanting to go out with friends. Feeling like I am on the verge of crying for no real reason. I don't like it at all. I am a pretty outgoing guy, so when I feel like this I beat myself up for wasting my time with it. Which, as you might think, doesn't really help the situation. I am feeling really lost in this feeling. I know I need to do something about it, but I really can't think of a solution. I could go to a therapist again, that worked really well last time, but I don't make enough money now to pay for the expense. I could work out more, but I can't afford a gym membership and I can only motivate myself so much on my own. I could try just going out on a few dates with random girls, but I am so self concious right now I don't know where to find the courage to ask out a live girl and the internet dating doesn't really work for me as I must be a leaper since no one ever answers me.

Looking back on that last paragraph of self loathing dreck and excuses I can see why I am depressed. I need to stop making excuses and just do something about it other then eat my feelings away, which is what it feels like I am doing.

Well that's it for now. Hopefully my next post won't be nearly this over dramatic and awful.

Happy VD everybody!